Shiawase desu.

I am happy.

There is much to be said for times of happiness.  And there are many reasons for happiness.  What are mine? 

I am lucky.  I am blessed.  I am loved and cared for.  I am protected and nurtured.  I am supported in my endeavors and given councel when needed.  I am comforted and made love to. 

I am loved and given all that word carries with it.

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Aeolus-kun and I will be wed soon.  Again.  *Giggling*  I suppose I am quite lucky to be able to have two different weddings.  The first meant much to me in that Aeolus-kun had a small shinto temple built on the grounds of the castle, and had a shinto priest arrive to join us.  It was Aeolus-kun and I, along with the Kami (gods) who saw fit to watch over the joining of our souls.  Though Aeolus-kun is not shinto but Catholic, it meant much to me that he would do something so thoughtful.  I do hope this second wedding is to him what our first ceremony was to me.  I only wish for Aeolus-kun to be as happy as I am.

Shiawase Aeolus-kun.  *Smiling*

I lie here with my head propped up on my hand watching him rest.  I find it hard to rest when I have much on my mind, but he rests so easily despite everything he has on his.  His beautiful face is so peaceful in death.  *Reaching over to brush fingers to lips.*

I cannot shake these thoughts I have been torturing myself with.  Thoughts of how my life would have played out had Kyo-sempai not come along and taken my breath away, literally.  Instead of a continuing existence where I walk the earth, it would have been my offspring.  And their offspring, and so on.  I often wonder how they would have looked, sounded, and felt in my arms.  How many would I have had?  Would they have been rowdy warrior boys?  Or gentle, beautiful girls?

I should not lament so on a world I have created in my mind.  A world where the flavors of food are vibrant and delectable.  Where wine and sake are drunk instead of Royalty or fairy.  Where the brilliant, bright sun shines down on me and my children as we walk along the shoreline.  I can sit and watch the sun rise, instead of shy away into a light tight room.  Growing old and helping raise my grandchildren, and smiling when they ask obaasan to tell them another story.  Then one day, finally returning to the earth who spawned me, at peace with the life I had lived.

It is a wonderful fairy tale I have spun in my mind.  But it makes me ache, and I despise it.

I would have spent another lifetime without him.  Perhaps I would have been reborn into someone who would cross his path, but who knows?  Our red thread is unbreakable it seems, but would it have been one lifetime or two spent in search of him?  To be reborn time and again, yet not knowing when we would meet, that would have been more torturous.

Every night spent with him more than makes up for everything I have been deprived.  If Kyo-sempai had not seen me on that fateful, overcast night I would not still be walking this earth.  Circumstances would not have allowed me to walk right into his arms.  I would not rest in his arms each day.  Nor would I have ever known a love so pure.  I would have spent lifetimes in search, wondering just what it was I was missing. 

This is something I never allowed myself to think on.  But it is something I have been thinking on quite a bit the past few weeks.  The subject of children keeps crossing my path.  Perhaps it is the articles in the bridal magazines about young ones and where to place them in the wedding party, what sorts of activities to set up for them. 

When I look upon his face, I wonder what our children would have looked like if we had met as humans.  I imagine my boys strong and tall like him, with fair minds and wonderful humor.  I see them being successful and sought after.  I imagine my girls petite and kind, with agreeable personalities and sensible thoughts.  They are the apples of their father's eye. 

I can see how he smiles as they crawl in his lap to hear a story.  It makes my heartspace ache to think of.

And now we have a birthday party for a very young, special girl to plan and attend.  Perhaps I should use this opportunity to get to know her, and live slightly vicariously through Elizabeth-chan.  For, though Kaze-kun and I cannot have children of our own, this does not mean we cannot spoil those who are in our lives, ne?

Emiko-chan,

I am so happy to hear that you are faring well!!  Please do not be sad for me any longer.  I know that I cannot return to Japan any time soon, but at some point you and I will cross paths again, ne?  We have our whole eternities to do so.  Until then, we will keep writing and plan for the night we can once more brush each other's hair and gossip about nothing at all.  I must say I do so look forward to that night.

You have been asking after me, and I know I have been vague.  More than vague....and I apologize for that. 

It wouId seem that I am no longer without family name. 

When I left Japan this last time, I left as simply Mai.  Living for so long as an Ichinose, then suddenly dropping my honorable clan name as though it were a forgotten sheath of parchment.......it was hard.  It took long for me to come to grips with the fact that I was without family once more.  I know you still see me as an Ichinose, and as sweet as that is, you must stop.  I am no longer part of your clan, or your family.  As much as you would like for me to be.

I am now Kaius Mai.  And my world is upside down.  Scratch that.  My world is a 7' tall giant of an Italian vampire named Aeolus Kaius who has a tendency to carry me everywhere and loves me as no one has ever loved me.  And I love him just the same.  He is my Kamaikaze, my itoshii, my aikouka, and my bonded.  He is my dannasama.  See?  My world.  :)  I have so much to tell you, I do not even know where to start.  This has all happened so quickly.  Kamikaze, ne?  *Giggling* 

It started as a month long date and ended with a Shinto ceremony to bind us together at his home in Italy.  We are planning a Christian wedding here in Louisiana, and I would very much love for you to be here for it.  I will wear a white dress, and a magnolia blossom in my hair.  :)  It will be a sight.  You will enjoy Aeolus-kun's company, I am sure.  He is very stoic at first glance, but can be so funny at times.  He makes me smile more than I have in.....well...ever.  I am a changed kyuuketsuki, and it is because of him that this has happened.

I am rambling. 

He is awaiting me to finish this email as I type, so I will get back to you again soon.  Please give Ya-ya-chan my love!

Yours for eternity,

Kaius Mai.

There is so much I want to say.  To get out of my head.  But I do not know where to start.

This trip to Kyoto did not turn out at all how I had expected.  The events with Kyo-kun were unexpected and anger inducing.  I will more than likely not be welcome back home.  I do not wish to speak on it.  It is in the past.  And as I said to @Honey3223 earlier, those events which are hardest, prove to be the ones that shape who you become.  I feel stronger of heart somehow, despite everything.

He was not there in person to see me off, which is fine.  I saw him in the window.  And I felt every hard emotion running through his kokoro.  Anger, sadness, jealousy, hatred, longing, and lust.  Never love.  I realize now, that is one I never felt from our bond. 

I will not cry any longer.  My tears are no longer shed for him.  He is a forgotten subject.  Like a myth that never happened.

I feel a little lighter in all actuality.  It would seem there is no longer a heavy chain tying me to Kyoto.  No longer a heavy chain tying me down to the ground.  No longer a heavy chain tying me to the myth of a vampire who does not exist in my world any longer.

I cannot wait for this airplane to land and take me home.  My new home.  I cannot wait for what the future holds for me.

-Mai (hopeful)

I am sitting here writing as the stylist pulls and curls and pins my hair into an elaborate up-do.  Tonight is the annual Ichinose Clan Gion Matsuri Masquerade Ball.  The month of June is the Gion Matsuri here in Kyoto.  Gion Matsuri is a festival that has been celebrated for hundreds of years to appease the gods of pestilence, earthquakes, fire, and floods.  We will not be staying long enough to see the floats parade, unfortunately.  Our clan float always has the theme of our annual ball.  This year's theme is Aurora.  Ironic, ne?

I watch in the mirror as the attendants help Emiko get her gown over her head without messing up her hair.  She looks so different to me now that she has been turned.  More refined somehow.  Yet still the childish adult I had known previously.  How I missed her!

I was fortunate enough to have some time before we had to get ready to speak with her.  I had to know that she was faring well.  It would seem that she is taking to her new life like a koi in a bigger pond.  I am so glad for this.  It was not her choice to be turned, yet turned and left to her own devices she was.  It took much begging on my part to ensure that @Ichinose_Kyo would take her in as his new imoute.  Good for you Emiko!  I am so proud of you!

I am quite a bit more relaxed this night than those previously.  Last night was just the right amount of violence and satisfaction.  I am quite sated.

It is time for me to dress.

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The ball was an absolute disaster. 

It did not start out as such.  We arrived fashionably late as usual.  Emiko-chan, James-kun, Kyo-kun, YaYa-chan, and I arrived in style...a horse drawn carriage decorated as Aurora's carriage may have looked.  It was as beautiful as I remember the sunrise being. 

We made our entrance and paraded to the head table where Kyo-kun and his guests were to sit.  The room was so bright!  There were no artificial lights this night.  Everything was on fire!  There were candles and torches everywhere.  The room was bathed in the colors of the sunrise.  Bold oranges and yellows and reds.  It was so beautiful!  The food for the humans was quite interesting as well.  Everything smelled wonderful and looked like art.  I do think James-kun was impressed. 

There were several bands playing this night.  The music was as enchanting as the decor and the company.  I danced several times with Kyo-kun and YaYa-chan....and I was even surprised to waltz with James-kun!  I had no clue he was such an adept dancer!  It was quite a treat dancing with him.  @AmmerieRain you are quite lucky.  *Grinning*

Anyway, poor James-kun got to see the real side of Aniki this night.  Kyo-kun became more and more jealous of me as the night wore on.  I do not think he appreciated the fact that I was finally coming into my own and that others were enjoying my company.  And that I was not constantly on his arm...

He became....almost violent with me.  I do not wish to speak of the verbal fight we had, or the fact that it took two kyuuketsuki to get him off my arm.  I still have deep gouges from his nails that are taking their sweet time to heal.  He has never gotten violent with me.  I do not understand why this is happening now.  I do not know if it has to with the fact that he knows I am not longer his?  Or the fact that he can no longer control me.....  I am confused and angry, and am glad that James-kun and I will be leaving tomorrow night.

Something about last night made me come to a realization.  I have been lying to myself.  Kyo-kun's hold on me was that of a controlling and manipulative master.  As much as I had thought I loved him previously, and I am sure I did...if even a little, he had been manipulating me.  I am not happy about this, but I cannot change the past.  I can only think of my future.

I do not know if I will come back. 

-Mai.  (sad and most definitely without a family.)

It would seem @Ichinose_Kyo promised me drifting this night, but he did not necessarily tell me he would be here.  Because.  He is not.

He claimed some business came up, and has been gone most of this night.  It is ok.  I needed space from his constant hovering.  A hovering I once found comforting, but now find smothering.

I am perched in a tree watching the racers line up.  I brought @James_Vail out, because I thouth he might enjoy a good race.  He looks excited, but slightly sad.  I think he really misses @AmmerieRain.  I should have let him stay home.  I must admit, I was a little selfish to bring him along.  I hope Ammerie-chan can forgive me this, but I really needed at least one friendly face around.

The racing has started.  I am next, so I must prepare.

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I just dropped James-kun back at the clan house.  He looked so tired, I do hope he is resting well.

I took him around after the race to see my home city through my eyes.  I showed him where my home once stood when I was human.  I took him to the temple I visited so often as a young girl.  I also showed him the place where I was turned...

I am now sitting at the top of the Kyocera building like I have done sooo many nights.  I am wondering if the chain that links Kyo-kun and I together is finally starting to rust and flake away.  It is another overcast night, and instead being reminded of that night I was turned, all I can think of is going home.  My new home.

I feel Kyo-kun coming near...

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I turned my head to see him standing there, smiling a wicked smile.  I know that smile so well.  He would make me his and I would not protest.  It has been too long and I have needs too.  This night would be a selfish kind of love.

I turned back to face the sky, so he could see only my back.  I could feel him coming on.........slowly, ever so slowly.  It was excrutiating, but made my want that much more intense. 

At last I felt his presence directly behind me.  I sat still, not knowing how this would play out.  He reached out for me with lightening speed and grabbed a fistful of hair.  He pulled.....hard, and I tumbled to the ground.  He stood over me grinning that same wicked grin.  It would seem that I was his sheep this night....and he the wolf.

I gave in with every fiber of my being.

For old time's sake.

-Mai.

Laying here quietly.  I had forgotten how easy it was to stay awake during the day in these rooms.  These houses were built almost too well...

As I suspected, I do not have my own rooms.  Instead it would seem that I am to share @Ichinose_Kyo's large new quarters in the West House.  *Sigh*  I do not even have a futon to myself...

It is like I never left in some ways, but in others everything is different.  Somehow...he is...dare I say it?  He is almost sweet.

Almost.

Seeing as @James_Vail and I arrived so late in the morning, we all retired to our rooms almost immediately.  I personally saw to James-kun's settling in before retiring.  I had to make sure he would be ok for @AmmerieRain. He seemed surprised and pleased at his western style room.  I do not understand how anyone can sleep in a bed that thigh off the ground...

Kyo-sempai dismissed everyone almost as soon as I arrived.  He wanted me to himself...as usual.  But this time, this time it was words and not carnal pleasures.  You see, he had warned me time and again against loving humans and had always given me small details of his past.  But this time, he recounted his full story to me.  What I heard upset me terribly. 

I will not repeat it here, for that is his story to tell, not mine.  I have no place repeating it without his say.

I will tell you that his story of love is much more gruesome and sad than mine...

Is it odd that I feel closer to him, yet still so far?  I feel as though there will always be a wall between us.

I do not mind.  I do not want Kyo-kun as he wants me.  I left Kyoto to get away, not be sucked back in. 

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Sitting in the inner gardens in the West House with my journal.  Thinking.  Each of my private moments has been spent thinking since arriving.  Thinking of my human life, of my vampire life, of my life in Kyoto before moving away, and after. 

I awoke this morning to Yasuo-kun's shining moon of a face.  How I have missed my YaYa-chan!  *SQUEE!*  Kyo-kun's personal assistant was the closest he would let me get to having a human friend....before Emiko came along of course.  Aniki still doesn't know just how close YaYa-chan and I became.  He is like a brother I never knew.  If I could bring him home with me I would!  Just fold him up and stow him in my carry on! 

Aniki had already risen and was gone to take care of some clan business, so YaYa-chan was there to greet me with my usual glass of Royalty and a bowl of plum blossoms from the garden.  He knows how much I love the smell of fresh picked blossoms.  We spent some time catching up with each other.  I told him of Fangtasia, @James_Vail and @AmmerieRain, and of the events with @Trevor_Murdoch.  YaYa-chan was sad for me, but he understood that it had to happen.  He told me of Kyo-kun's hunt of the vampire who turned Emiko against her will.  I am glad he found the coward who did it....though it does seem ironic that in my day, I had no choice, yet there was no reprimand for Kyo-kun for turning me.

Most of my night has been spent catching up, though I did get some spar time in with Aniki.  He is, and always will be, my favorite sparring partner.  You would think that after 100 constant years of him and I sparring, he would be boring and predictible when it came to a fight, but it is NEVER like that.  You see, Kyo-sempai runs the local vampire fighting ring.  He watches every fight.  Studies every move.  He lives and breathes a good fight. 

He is also my favorite vampire to watch fight.  He has a grace that can only be earned after so many hundreds of years of hunting and fighting.  I only hope that one day I can match that grace.  One day.

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Kneeling quietly in Emiko's room.  Kyo-kun was surprised and seemed slightly upset when I told him I wanted to stay with her this day.  But he cannot tell me no any longer.  I brought up the fact that I was an honored guest, and no longer part of the Ichinose Clan. 

He threw it in my face that he saved me from being banished from Japan.  But still, he cannot tell me no.  Especially when there are tears involved.

I must rest.  The past hour has been hard.

-Mai  (sad and slightly upset.  it would seem only proper I should no longer use my family name.  I have no family.)

Looking out the windows of the limo with a smile.  How I have missed my home!  All of the lights of the city are like a beacon guiding me home.  I feel as though they shine just for me!

Stealing a look @James_Vail...his calm exterior is only marred slightly by a huge grin.  I do hope he enjoys himself on this trip.

I see the Kyocera building in the distance.  Our old favorite haunt.  We used to race each other to the top.  Ever the prideful sensei, @Ichinose_Kyo would never let me win.  Rather he felt each loss a lesson in humility.  I was rather humble in those days.

Closing my eyes for a moment.  Trying to calm my nerves.  I feel James-kun's large, warm hand on mine and I smile.  Domo arigato, James-kun.  You will never know how much that small gesture will mean to me.

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Pulling up to the Ichinose Clan House.  The Ichinose clan is one of the oldest and most elite of all the clans in Japan.  Our main home is in Kyoto, but we have many homes all over Japan.

I make my face a mask as we pull around the drive to the front of the house.  I must remember my place and my manners.  Though I am no longer part of the clan, I am an honored guest, and must act accordingly.  I stifle a laugh when I see Emiko-chan standing outside waving like the baka she is.  How glad I am to see her!  But I must stay calm for the moment...for there is my aniki, my sensei, my Kyo-kun.  Kyo-kun in all of his shining, beautiful, powerful, and scowling glory.

I must exit the limo at some point...

I have been trying to keep myself as busy as possible in the past few weeks.  I have not allowed myself to think on the events up to this point in time.  But with all this time on the flight, and not much to do to occupy my mind, it is all I can do to NOT think on them.

How did we fall in love so quickly?  I think perhaps my only ever having one man in my heart helped to fuel that fire.  @Ichinose_Kyo kept me to himself most of my undead life.  Of course I knew the pleasures of other men and women, but Kyo-kun never really let me stay too long in one bed or another before summoning me back to him.  Not that I was so unwilling to go back to him...

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Looking out the tiny oval window....seeing an overcast sky.  A sky that haunts my dreams and reminds me of him.  Remembering the night he came to me.  A bored girl of 17...he practically glowed in the moonlight.  He was so beautiful!  And how the danger rolled off him like waves crashing to the shore.  I remember standing there, totally stunned into silence.  Did I drop my box of herbs?  I do not remember.  I do, however, remember his smile.  His fangs as they ran out.  And then....waking up next to him.  Hungry.  In the dark...though my eyes could see every tiny detail and my ears hear every tiny sound.

I was angry and wondrous and hungry and curious all wrapped up in one tiny confused package.  And Kyo-sensei was there to feed each and every emotion.  I am eternally grateful to him, but a part of me will be eternally angry for taking my human life and replacing it with a life of blood and darkness.

I do so miss seeing the sun rise upon the ocean, shining through the trees in the mountains, and the clouds floating by in a bright blue sky.  But I guess we don't all get everything we want from our existence, ne?

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@James_Vail is passed out on the cot now.  I will never tell him, but I am jealous of his easy life.  Him and @AmmerieRain are a wonderful match for each other.  But, let us face it.  What sort of expert on love and relationships am I?

I must admit I was somewhat wary when I first interviewed James-kun.  His calm and relaxed nature was appealing, but I thought it surely a ruse to cover some deep flaw.  I did glamour him, as I did with the other applicants, and found him to be genuine.  Unlike the other applicants.  His calmness goes almost all the way to his core.  There is some bit of anger there, but that dissipates more and more each day as he spends time with Ammerie-chan.  She seems to be a balm for his past.  His past that he has no clue that I know about.

I do hope that perhaps James-kun and I will grow closer on this trip.  His presence has a calming affect on me...let us hope he can keep that calm around @Ichinose_Kyo.  I do not believe Kyo-sempai will do anything to provoke, but you never know with him.  Though he does seem to be getting spiritual in his old age.  I do know for a fact that he will not allow anything to happen to James-kun while he is under the clan roof.  He IS my assistant...and an honored guest after all.

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Drinking a blood and thinking of the past.  I can still remember my very first hunt.  The thrill of the chase, the heart beating so fast, the smell of his fear...of his blood.  How clumsy I was at first!  I was so hungry, I almost extinguished his life spark.  It was Kyo-sensei who was there to stop me.  I do not enjoy killing.  The cleaning up of bodies is too much trouble.

We made love the first time after that hunt.  How gentle he was with me.  And how rare after for him to be so again.  And again...I was not complaining.

From time to time I wonder what it was that kept us together for so long.  I know how rare it is for kyuuketsuki to stay with each other for such long periods of time.  Especially a maker and his child.  Even some of the vampire of our clan thought it odd...the hold Kyo-sempai and I have on each other.

Because, believe me, I have just as much hold on him as he on me.  Though I do wish to change that.

I wonder how it will be when we arrive.  Will he pick up just where he left off?  Will he be distant?  Will he be kind, gentle, and loving?  Hahaha....I doubt that.  Kyo-sempai loving...that is an interesting concept.

I admit, that after everything...and despite everything...I will be glad to see his old scowl.  And that rare, genuine smile of his.  One that very few get to see.  One that I have seen many, many times.

We are getting close to Japan.  I will write more later.

-Ichinose Mai.

James and I have arrived safely to the Anubis private terminal.  Yasuo-kun made sure James arranged for a private flight for best comfort.  Only the best for an Ichinose, ne?  I am glad for this.  It will be a good flight for us both.  James will have room to stretch his long legs, and I can have a little privacy if I so wish it.  14 hours is a long time on one vessel....

I am nervous to be going home now, after everything that has happened...I am sure that @Ichinose_Kyo will have a good reprimand in store for me.  I really should have known better.  Even after close to 860 years it seems to sting his pride that a human woman scorned his love.  He is ever the prideful vampire made worse by the era in which he was born.  Nipponese men are so stubborn at times!

But @Ichinose_Kyo always had a word of warning for me when it came to humans.  He is a snobby elitist who looked down on me when it came to having human friends.  He never allowed me to get close enough.  I always gave into his words of warning, that is until Emiko came along.  I hired her as my personal assistant at the insitence of Yasuo, but that was really just a guise.  It was nice for me to have a female friend around.  None of the female kyuuketsuki in our clan were ever very friendly towards me.  I was never really sure why....

Perhaps @Ichiniose_Kyo had something to do with that?

Something for me to think on before arriving home.

We are boarding now, so I will write more later.

-Ichinose Mai. (a bundle of nerves and happiness all rolled into one.  not unlike a sushi roll)